Broken heart
by CatchingStar
Summary: Sara is hurt and needs to tell to someone, even if its not in person. Please tell me what you think.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimers: **I do not own csi or the characters. CBS does.

"**Broken Heart"**

Sara sits in front of her desk with a pen in hand. There are so many things she wanted to write to this person but she doesn't know how to begin, it just had to be done. It had to be done today. Not tomorrow or a week away or a month. Today. She starts slowly, taking a deep breathe

"_Please forgive me." _It was just three little words but they already brought tears to her eyes. She had lost count how many times she cried over this matter in the last couple of weeks and yet it didnt seem enough.

She tries focusing back in her task shaking her head and brushing away the tears.

"_I never intended to hurt you. God knows you deserve nothing more but the best things this world can give. _

_Believe me when I say I tried. I tried so hard and even lied to Grissom every morning, pretending to go home when in fact I would hide and wait for him to leave so I could get back to work for you._

_I wanted nothing but get the son of a bitch that hurt you, for you, for Lindsey, and for me also. I know she means the world to you and without her you would be nothing, feel nothing._

_And __Lindsey is such an amazing kid Cat and she loves you so much. She may not say this often and get angry when you can't be with her longer because of work but when people ask her if she is proud of being your daughter, the answer is 'yes', no second thoughts. You did a wonderful job raising her. As for Eddie, he may have hurt you more then once but you cared for him anyway after all he is, and always will be, Lindsey's only father._

_I'm so sorry I failed. _

More tears came and run down her cheeks but she didn't care to wipe them. It will be no use to do it.

_Please know that closing that case was the toughest thing I had to do in a long time and it hurt. It hurt more than my father's belt or my mother's yelling. You are right. I take abuse cases personal not only because I saw it happen but because I felt it. Even after years it's still there you know, the hurt, the anger… I wonder if it will ever go away. _

_I want you to know that I care for you,__ more than anyone else' and being able to work with you, being with you, laughing with you was amazing. Please be safe, and more importantly, be happy, for you, your daughter, your family and friends. I wish I had made things easy for us and become one of those people you care so much. _

_I already spoke with Grissom about my leaving and he will start looking for a replacement soon. Please be kind with this person, especially if it's a woman, and believe me when I say - no one will ever be able to steal your place inside the lab or in the other people's hearts. _

_Goodbye, _

_Sara._

_Ps: Please tell Nick, Warrick, Greg, Dr. Robbins, David, Sofia and Brass that I love them and that I'm sorry for not saying goodbye personally. I don't like getting emotional in front of people, you know me. _

_If you could do this one last thing for me, I'll appreciate. _

Sara folds the paper carefully after teading the letter a few times, puts it inside a white envelope already named and places the envelope at the table beside the front door. One last stop at the lab tomorrow and she will be gone, away from Vegas for real.

**This is something I've wanted to write from some time now. Maybe it's over, maybe it's not, I have no clue. But I did have someone checking the grammar/spells. **

Please tell me what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

Catherine stepped out of her car and met Warrick in the elevator. "Hey War" she greeted him with a smile

"Oh hey Cat, how was your day off?"

"It was nice. Lindsey and I were able to talk without an argument and actually have fun walking in the park and shopping"

"I'm glad to hear that"

"How was everything here?"

"Okay. Grissom sent Greg and I to a B&E, Nick got a robbery and Sara stayed at lab doing paperwork" The door opened and they got in.

"Isn't it the third or forth time in a week?" Warrick nodded. "I bet she wanted to kill Grissom"

"Not really," Catherine looked at him confused. "She didn't say a word or show any emotion at all, nor good or bad." That was weird. "I can tell something is going on with her these past few days, something bad but every time I try to talk she says everything is fine,"

"Since when does Sara talk about anything but a case related?"

"You would be surprised at how open she can be when she is comfortable with you." He says, sighing for her to leave the elevator first. "Well, I'd better go and see Greg. I talk to you later". He completes giving a kiss on her cheek.

'Well, I can't say I helped her in that department," she said to herself, shaking her head. There was a big part of her wanted to be Sara's friend and more, if she was completely honest but another that hated not have the control over her feelings when being closer to the brunette.

Catherine placed her bag inside the locker and was about to close it when she noticed a white envelope on the shelf at the top of her locker. She recognizes the handwriting immediately.

She closes the locker and sits down on the bench, opening the envelope. She read the first three sentences out loud and can't believe the pain behind it. She continues and gasps, her hand going instinctively in front of her mouth. She remembers the episode as if it was yesterday and yet she never meant to say those harsh words, and never had the courage to say how terrible sorry she was. And Sara, she not only understood her pain but was already blaming herself for failing. She didn't Catherine to tell her that.

Paragraph after paragraph, Catherine could feel her heart being compressed by an invisible hand and the tears jumped in their own free will. How come she never noticed how her words cut Sara deeper? Or the hurt in Sara's eyes because, every emotion, good or bad, it was always there and all she had to do was look closer.

Closer

How Sara could leave and say those things in a letter, a damn letter? The answer was there but it still didn't make any sense. What if she cried in front of her? Why would that be a problem? It wouldn't be.

"I always knew where her heart was and it wasn't on mine," Catherine looks up and sees Grissom leaning against the doorframe. She doesn't hide her tears from him.

"She wrote it to you too?"

"No. We talked."

"What? She has the guts to talk to you but she can't even…" Catherine's eyes closed. She wanted to smash the paper and throw it away but she couldn't.

"We settle her paycheck." Catherine blinked. "I didn't try to stop her because I know she is only doing this because she can't handle being here any longer. She loves being a csi but she won't stand seeing you hurt because of her."

"I got over this a long time ago, and I never really blame her, you and I talked about it."

"Yes, we did"

"But she doesn't…"Catherine realized. "But how can she like me if I've never let her get closer, or gave her any indication that I felt the same way?"

"You of all people should know that we don't choose the person we fall in love with."

"Yeah, I guess so" Catherine says looking at the letter again. She caresses Sara's handwriting. It seems so much like a guy's handwriting. In fact is so ugly and tortuous that she doesn't even know how she can read it. But it's Sara's and that's all the matters.

"I think Nick would appreciate a few more hands on his case if you decided not to go after her."

Does she want to go after Sara, or what she feels is nothing more then a crush that can be forgotten or replaced? "Right like anyone could forget the stubborn, infuriating, brilliant, mysterious, charming Sara Sidle!" she hits her forehead.

She hears footsteps coming behind her and a voice calling her name as she walks out of the locker. "Not now Hodges, I'm officially off tonight!" She presses the garage button on the elevator and prays she is not too late.

--

**I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to post another chapter to this fic so please tell me what you guys think. Should I just leave the first one or continue from here? **


	3. Chapter 3

Sara could still remember the first time she stepped into Vegas two years ago. She was glad for having a chance to work with Grissom, the best criminalist of the country. He was the person who opened her eyes to forensics and made her see in it what she wanted to do in her life. She had been happy in the job. She had learned a lot, not only with Grissom but his team as well. Now, doing her job isn't enough anymore. It had lost the meaning since the moment she failed and hurt the woman she loved.

Just when I thought I was safe  
you found me in my hiding place  
I'd promised never again  
I wouldn't give my heart but then  
Closer, closer I moved near you  
the way I want you makes me fear you

Loves breaks and love divides  
Love laughs and love can make you cry  
I can't believe the way  
that love can give…

And love can take away.

I find it hard to explain  
It's crazy, but it's happening  
And I'm falling again (have)  
Much further than I've ever been

I'm falling deeper than the ocean  
I am lost in this emotion

Loves breaks and love divides  
Love laughs and love can make you cry  
I can't believe the way…  
That love can give and love can take away…

She can see Catherine's hurt expression everywhere she looks and when she closes her eyes at nights. There is nothing she can do to make it go away; just like she can't stop the tears plopping out of her eyes just now.

The cab reached the airport and Sara moved off of the window where her head was rested. She wiped the tears with the back of her hands. They ran freely down her cheeks the entire drive and she didn't even try to stop them - what was the point when they would just keep coming over and over again? She got out of the car and thanked the driver.

"You are welcome," he said, closing the trunk. "Ma'am, you don't have to go if you don't want to."

"What?" she asked confused.

"If leaving makes you sad, then you should stay and be with the person you love."

"I know, but I can't. It's too complicated."

"Maybe it is, but running away isn't the answer."

Sara stayed, thinking about his words for a few seconds. No matter how much she wanted to stay, she knew she couldn't. Catherine wouldn't ever love her the way she does. She has to go away and try to find someone nice and caring that does not have so much power over her heart and feelings. Someone who won't make her feel weak and sad with a few words and strong and happy with a single smile after seconds of the harsh words. Someone that isn't sexy as hell or has the most expressive blue eyes she ever saw. Someone that isn't like Catherine, in all of her glory, every fucking day!

She dispatched the bag and took a seat waiting for the flight call.

**This is a work of fiction. I do not own CSI or the music I put it here.**

The music calls "love give love takes" and it's from a irish band named "the corrs". I may have use some of their music in another fic.

Okay, there is just more chapter to go.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi there. This is a bigger chapter and the last one. ****Please read the third chapter again because I made some changes.**

**A special thanks to CSIMOUSE for finding time and will to do some beta work for me. I really appreciate your help.**

*

"Passengers of the flight number 1425, from Las Vegas to San Francisco, please go directly to the Gate 22 to board. Flight number 1425, gate 22."

Sara closed her laptop and watched people getting up from their seats to go to the gate before placing it back in the handbag. It didn't bother her when people ran to get in the line in front of her.

This was it. That was her flight.

Images of Catherine smiling, talking to the guys and joking around dominated her thoughts, making her heart ache. She would never see that beautiful smile again.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and flinched. "I'm sorry, Ma'am', can I have your ticket please?" says the woman.

"Right, okay, it is here somewhere…" The woman rolls her eyes and looks behind Sara's shoulder asking the next person. "I saw that!" Sara thought with anger. "Here it is."

"Ma'am, can you please release it?"

"I… I..."

"SARAAAAAAAAA! SARA!" The brunette closed her eyes tight. She could swear she was hearing her.

"This is just my brain playing tricks. She would never come after me."

"WAIT, NO! DON'T GO!"

"Ma'am, you have to decide if you are going in or not. We can't wait any longer."

"I know, I just…" She felt a hand on her arm that forced her to look beside to see Catherine's face. She was breathing heavy as if she had just run, but the blonde never ran. Catherine smiled as she tried to catch her breath. "We need to talk…"

"There is nothing to talk about, Catherine."

"The hell there isn't. And I'll not let you go until you give me a chance!" There it was. The determination, the fire inside her blue orbs, the most expressive beautiful eyes Sara ever saw.

"Give you a chance of doing what?"

"Hear me out… for me to make things right this time…"

Sara opened her mouth but closed it seconds later. What could she say that would change anything? It is not like Catherine would say she loved her the way Sara loves her, so why not just go and spare the uncomfortable moment?

Sara looked from the blonde to the flight attendant and gave her a sorry smile. "Do you think you can get my bag back? I'm not going," she said, showing the luggage ticket.

"Thank God" breathed Catherine.

Ignoring the angry looks from the attendant, Sara turned and led Catherine to the closest bench. "Stay there!" Catherine watched the brunette go to the coffee shop and brought her a bottle of water. Not a warm one from the drinking vessel.

"Thank you." Catherine smiled widely.

"You're welcome."

"God, I haven't run like that in ages," Catherine drank the entire bottle without saying a word. She looked at Sara, but the brunette didn't return the look. "I guess we better start talking."

"Go ahead and ask."

"Go ahead and…" Catherine couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I don't get it. You are always so cold with me when you can talk nicely to every guy at the lab, why? What is wrong with me?"

"Nothing is wrong. I just… I have so many things running in my mind right now that I don't know what to say, where to begin…" Sara sighed and turned to face the blonde. "I'm not good with this so if you just ask me… I'd know where to go and where I stand…" Sara explained with a sad smile. Catherine face softened at the vulnerability she saw in Sara's eyes. It was the first time she saw it and she didn't like it. Sara was strong, determined, and stubborn, never weak.

"You talk as if I have this major power over you…" argued Catherine moving her hands in the air. She was confused to say at least.

"That's because you have." Sara whispered, ashamed.

"Why?"

Sara looked away. "Every day at the lab is like a challenge for me. I feel like I have to prove that I'm a good person or a good CSI and…"

"You don't have to prove anything…"

"Then how come we are not even friends, Cat? Why do we fight so much all the time? I know I'm not an easy person to deal with, but I'm not a bad person!"

"I never thought you were a bad person, Sara." Catherine held Sara's hand against her thigh and looked at her eyes, which were filled with tears. "I came here to stop you from going away with the thought that I hate you because I don't. I never felt anything close as hate toward you, ever… and Eddie's case… I forgave you a long time ago. I just didn't tell you that."

Sara looked away, biting her lips. She wished she had heard those words a while ago because it would have spared her from so much suffering. "I didn't find the murder weapon and that girl walked... She is free and it is my fault!"

"No. You didn't find a weapon because there was none for you to find, Sara!" Catherine said. Sara shook her head not believing it. "I checked the evidence…"

"You what?"

"I was hurt and I couldn't believe she would walk. So two days later, I checked the evidence, I talked to Grissom, and realize the only way for you to arrest that bitch would be to forge the evidence. But you…" Catherine smiled and ran her hand through Sara's long brown hair. "… you could never do that" Sara didn't fight the touch this time, but God knew her heart needed that comfort, more then anything in this world. She closed her eyes, stopping the tears, and leaned into the touch.

"Why Cat, why of all cases I have to fail the one that mattered the most to you? All I wanted was for you to have some peace and maybe you'd finally trust in me…"

"You did not fail!" said Catherine convicted, forcing Sara to look to her. "You did your best, and now it's time for you start believing in that so you can move on, Sara. I know I have."

"Do you really, Cat?"

"Yes."

Sara could tell Catherine was very sure of that, which meant she had indeed forgiven Sara. That took a huge burden off the brunette's shoulder, and Catherine could see it in her body language. Catherine pulled Sara into a bear hug.

Sara leaned on her shoulder and sighed. She hadn't felt so good in a long, long time. "Thank you."

"You are welcome," Catherine replied without letting her go just yet. "Sara, do you like me… really, really like me?"

"Always have."

"Good because there are two things I want to do."

"What?" asked Sara just moving her head to face Catherine while keeping her hands placed in the blonde's back.

Catherine hit her in the arm but before Sara could scream Catherine's tongue found her way into Sara's mouth, tasting her for the first time. Sara raised her hand from the back to under Catherine's hair as she found enough strength to do something about the kiss. Like kiss her back.

Their tongues battled for dominance until Sara gave up.

They were interrupted by a man in a uniform. "We recovered your bag. If you could follow me, you can have her" Sara nodded.

"Will you wait for me?"

"No, I'm coming with you."

Sara went to the airline to get it back. She was fined, but was able to get part of her money back. "Why did you push me away if you actually liked me?" Sara finally asked when they left the airport.

"I didn't want you to find out about my crush. Well, it's more then a crush. But anyway, I decided that the best thing for me was to be a total bitch and protect my heart from another big illusion. It was not an easy decision and I feel terrible about it. I hope you can forgive me."

"Considered done," Catherine smiled.

"I'm so glad I got you in time."

"Yeah, how did you know I was here by the way?"

"I checked on your apartment before coming here and that old lady said you had packed all your things."

"Ms Jenkins... She loves a good gossip"

"Thank God. Otherwise, I would be driving like crazy to find you"

"Like crazy, hum?" Sara asked with an eyebrow up, making Catherine blush.

"Come on, let's get my car and go to my place. You are staying with me."

"Oh no, no, no, I really appreciate the offer but I don't want to impose."

"You won't. Besides, I'm the one suggesting it, so let's go."

"Catherine,"

"Sara"

"Fine but you know it will only be for a few days, until I get my old apartment back or find another one."

"_We'll see about that_," Catherine thought to herself. "Sure. No problem" she answered.

"Good! The last thing I want is to mess things up before we even start a serious relationship".

"Yes ma'am."

"Hey Cat?" the blonde turned and was about to ask 'What?' when Sara's lips met hers. "I always wanted to steal a kiss from you,"

"Well, feel free to do that again any time you like."

Sara laughed and kissed her on the cheek.

**The end**

**I would like to meet a person that runs after the person she loves like that. Wouldn't you guys like it too? ****Was it good, bad, totally sucked...?**


End file.
